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The Cynic's Rules of Conduct   By:

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The Cynic's Rules of Conduct



Copyright, 1905, by Henry Altemus

Entered at Stationers' Hall


Go to the Aunt, thou sluggard, and offer her ten off on your legacy for spot cash.

The difference between a bad break and a faux pas indicates the kind of society you are in.

When alone in Paris behave as if all the world were your mother in law.


Remember, too, that perhaps you are not the sort of husband that Father used to make.

You may refer to her cheeks as roses, but the man who sends her American beauties will leave you at the post.

A woman should dress to make men covetous and women envious.


Even Cupid crosses his fingers at what he hears by moonlight.

After marriage you may speak of her temper; but during courtship you had better refer to it as temperament.

When dinners entice thee consent thou not.


The position of the hostess should be at the doorway of the drawing room to receive her guests. The position of her husband should be at his office desk making the money to pay for the blow out.

It is safer to do business with jailbirds than with relatives.

Discuss family scandals before the servants. We should always be kind to the lower classes.


When children paw a visitor's gown with their candied fingers the proper observation for the mother to make is: "My children are so affectionate."

Reprimand your servants before your guests. It shows your authority.

The chief duty of the best man is to prevent the groom from escaping before the ceremony.


In marching up the aisle to the altar the bride carries either a bunch of flowers or a prayer book. Her father carries a bunch of money or a cheque book.

On returning from the altar be careful not to step on the bride's train. There's trouble enough ahead without that.

Don't blow your own horn when you can get some one else to blow it for you.


Keep your servants in good humor, if you can but keep your servants.

Your conduct in an elevator should be governed by circumstances. Should the lady's husband remove his hat keep yours on. Should he fail to remove it, take your hat off. This will embarrass him.

Never put in the collection box less than ten per cent. of the amount you tip your waiter at luncheon.


At afternoon funerals wear a frock coat and top hat. Should the funeral be your own, the hat may be dispensed with.

It is never in good taste to indulge in personal pleasantries, such as referring to a lady's artificial teeth as her collection of porcelains.

Beware of the man who never buys a gold brick. The chances are that he sells them.


Indorse checks about two inches from the end. Don't indorse notes at all.

No house should be without its guest chamber. Besides giving one's home an air of hospitality, it makes an admirable store room for dilapidated furniture and unspeakable pictures.

There is only one worse break than asking a woman her age: it is looking incredulous when she tells it.


It is not good form to rehearse your domestic difficulties in public, but it is mighty interesting to your auditors... Continue reading book >>

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