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Mr. Dooley Says By: Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936) |
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BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR,"
"MR. DOOLEY IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC. NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS
CONTENTS PAGE
DIVORCE 1 GLORY 14 WOMAN SUFFRAGE 25 THE BACHELOR TAX 40 THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES 50 PANICS 67 OCEAN TRAVEL 78 WORK 89 DRUGS 100 A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP 106 THE ARMY CANTEEN 110 THINGS SPIRITUAL 123 BOOKS 134 THE TARIFF 144 THE BIG FINE 158 EXPERT TESTIMONY 168 THE CALL OF THE WILD 180 THE JAPANESE SCARE 193 THE HAGUE CONFERENCE 204 TURKISH POLITICS 214 VACATIONS 227
Mr. DOOLEY SAYS
DIVORCE
"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a Divoorce
Congress." "What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y luxury
supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar rchey Road. Up here whin a
marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go on
livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way some
mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at each
other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he has
th' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to Reno
in ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wud
find throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar rchey Road. No,
sir, whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river.
There's on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize,
an' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall
bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a timprary
husband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an'
dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' customs iv th'
neighbors are agin it. "But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoo
marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' an
onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' new
an' off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says th' preacher. 'Or th'
jury,' whispers th' blushin' bride. "Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about was
assembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. It's a
tur rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan State on'y
to be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses th' border.
There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's almost impossible
f'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has a good raison. There's
no regularity at all about it. In Kentucky baldness is grounds f'r
divoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' weather. In Illinye a woman can
be freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wears
Congress gaiters; in Wisconsin th' old man can get his maiden name back
because his wife tells fortunes in th' taycup. "In Nebrasky th' shackles ar re busted because father forgot to wipe his
boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota. Ye can
be divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge th' complaint.
Among th' grounds ar re snorin', deefness, because wan iv th' parties
dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th' other
does, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to sick
headaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he give
her, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th' society iv
th' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can get a
divoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he has
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