Mr. Dooley's Philosophy   By: Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936)

MR. DOOLEY'S PHILOSOPHY

by

FINLEY PETER DUNNE

Illustrated by

F. OPPER.

[Illustration: POOR PEOPLE 'LL HAVE SIMPLE MEALS.]

To the Hennessys of the world who suffer and are silent

PREFACE

The reporter of these monologues would apologize for the frequent reappearances of Mr. Dooley, if he felt the old gentleman would appreciate an apology in his behalf. But Mr. Dooley has none of the modesty that has been described as "an invention for protection against envy," because unlike that one of his distinguished predecessors who discovered this theory to excuse his own imperfect but boastful egotism, he recognizes no such human failing as envy. Most of the papers in the present collection of the sayings of this great and learned man have appeared in the press of America and England. This will account for the fact that they deal with subjects that have pressed hard upon the minds of newspaper readers, statesmen, and tax payers during the year. To these utterances have been added a number of obiter dicta by the philosopher, which, perhaps, will be found to have the reminiscent flavor that appertains to the observations of all learned judges when they are off the bench.

In some cases the sketches have been remodeled and care has been taken to correct typographical blunders, except where they seemed to improve the text. In this connection the writer must offer his profound gratitude to the industrious typographer, who often makes two jokes grow where only one grew before, and has added generously to the distress of amateur elocutionists.

F. P. D.

CONTENTS

A BOOK REVIEW AMERICANS ABROAD SERVANT GIRL PROBLEM THE TRANSVAAL WAR AND WAR MAKERS UNDERESTIMATING THE ENEMY THE WAR EXPERT MODERN EXPLOSIVES THE BOER MISSION THE CHINESE SITUATION MINISTER WU THE FUTURE OF CHINA PLATFORM MAKING THE YACHT RACES POLYGAMY PUBLIC FICKLENESS KENTUCKY POLITICS YOUNG ORATORY PUBLIC GRATITUDE MARRIAGE AND POLITICS ALCOHOL AS FOOD HIGH FINANCE THE PARIS EXPOSITION CHRISTIAN JOURNALISM THE ADMIRAL'S CANDIDACY CUSTOMS OF KENTUCKY A SOCIETY SCANDAL DOINGS OF ANARCHISTS ANGLO AMERICAN SPORTS VOICES FROM THE TOMB THE NEGRO PROBLEM THE AMERICAN STAGE TROUBLES OF A CANDIDATE A BACHELOR'S LIFE THE EDUCATION OF THE YOUNG "L'AIGLON" CASUAL OBSERVATIONS

A BOOK REVIEW

"Well sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I jus' got hold iv a book, Hinnissy, that suits me up to th' handle, a gran' book, th' grandest iver seen. Ye know I'm not much throubled be lithrachoor, havin' manny worries iv me own, but I'm not prejudiced again' books. I am not. Whin a rale good book comes along I'm as quick as anny wan to say it isn't so bad, an' this here book is fine. I tell ye 'tis fine."

"What is it?" Mr. Hennessy asked languidly.

"'Tis 'Th' Biography iv a Hero be Wan who Knows.' 'Tis 'Th' Darin' Exploits iv a Brave Man be an Actual Eye Witness.' 'Tis 'Th' Account iv th' Desthruction iv Spanish Power in th' Ant Hills,' as it fell fr'm th' lips iv Tiddy Rosenfelt an' was took down be his own hands. Ye see 'twas this way, Hinnissy, as I r read th' book. Whin Tiddy was blowed up in th' harbor iv Havana he instantly con cluded they must be war. He debated th' question long an' earnestly an' fin'lly passed a jint resolution declarin' war. So far so good. But there was no wan to carry it on. What shud he do? I will lave th' janial author tell th' story in his own wurruds.