Books Should Be Free Loyal Books Free Public Domain Audiobooks & eBook Downloads |
|
Pigs is Pigs By: Ellis Parker Butler (1869-1937) |
---|
![]()
By Ellis Parker Butler
Mike Flannery, the Westcote agent of the Interurban Express Company,
leaned over the counter of the express office and shook his fist.
Mr. Morehouse, angry and red, stood on the other side of the counter,
trembling with rage. The argument had been long and heated, and at last
Mr. Morehouse had talked himself speechless. The cause of the trouble
stood on the counter between the two men. It was a soap box across
the top of which were nailed a number of strips, forming a rough but
serviceable cage. In it two spotted guinea pigs were greedily eating
lettuce leaves. "Do as you loike, then!" shouted Flannery, "pay for thim an' take
thim, or don't pay for thim and leave thim be. Rules is rules, Misther
Morehouse, an' Mike Flannery's not goin' to be called down fer breakin'
of thim." "But, you everlastingly stupid idiot!" shouted Mr. Morehouse, madly
shaking a flimsy printed book beneath the agent's nose, "can't you read
it here in your own plain printed rates? 'Pets, domestic, Franklin to
Westcote, if properly boxed, twenty five cents each.'" He threw the book
on the counter in disgust. "What more do you want? Aren't they pets?
Aren't they domestic? Aren't they properly boxed? What?" He turned and walked back and forth rapidly; frowning ferociously. Suddenly he turned to Flannery, and forcing his voice to an artificial
calmness spoke slowly but with intense sarcasm. "Pets," he said "P e t s! Twenty five cents each. There are two of them.
One! Two! Two times twenty five are fifty! Can you understand that? I
offer you fifty cents." Flannery reached for the book. He ran his hand through the pages and
stopped at page sixty four. "An' I don't take fifty cints," he whispered in mockery. "Here's the
rule for ut. 'Whin the agint be in anny doubt regardin' which of two
rates applies to a shipment, he shall charge the larger. The con sign ey
may file a claim for the overcharge.' In this case, Misther Morehouse,
I be in doubt. Pets thim animals may be, an' domestic they be, but pigs
I'm blame sure they do be, an' me rules says plain as the nose on
yer face, 'Pigs Franklin to Westcote, thirty cints each.' An' Mister
Morehouse, by me arithmetical knowledge two times thurty comes to sixty
cints." Mr. Morehouse shook his head savagely. "Nonsense!" he shouted,
"confounded nonsense, I tell you! Why, you poor ignorant foreigner, that
rule means common pigs, domestic pigs, not guinea pigs!" Flannery was stubborn. "Pigs is pigs," he declared firmly. "Guinea pigs, or dago pigs or Irish
pigs is all the same to the Interurban Express Company an' to Mike
Flannery. Th' nationality of the pig creates no differentiality in the
rate, Misther Morehouse! 'Twould be the same was they Dutch pigs or
Rooshun pigs. Mike Flannery," he added, "is here to tind to the expriss
business and not to hould conversation wid dago pigs in sivinteen
languages fer to discover be they Chinese or Tipperary by birth an'
nativity." Mr. Morehouse hesitated. He bit his lip and then flung out his arms
wildly. "Very well!" he shouted, "you shall hear of this! Your president shall
hear of this! It is an outrage! I have offered you fifty cents. You
refuse it! Keep the pigs until you are ready to take the fifty cents,
but, by George, sir, if one hair of those pigs' heads is harmed I will
have the law on you!" He turned and stalked out, slamming the door. Flannery carefully lifted
the soap box from the counter and placed it in a corner. He was not
worried. He felt the peace that comes to a faithful servant who has done
his duty and done it well. Mr. Morehouse went home raging. His boy, who had been awaiting the
guinea pigs, knew better than to ask him for them. He was a normal boy
and therefore always had a guilty conscience when his father was
angry. So the boy slipped quietly around the house. There is nothing so
soothing to a guilty conscience as to be out of the path of the avenger.
Mr. Morehouse stormed into the house. "Where's the ink?" he shouted at
his wife as soon as his foot was across the doorsill... Continue reading book >>
|
Genres for this book |
---|
Humor |
Literature |
Short stories |
eBook links |
---|
Wikipedia – Ellis Parker Butler |
Wikipedia – Pigs is Pigs |
eBook Downloads | |
---|---|
ePUB eBook • iBooks for iPhone and iPad • Nook • Sony Reader |
Kindle eBook • Mobi file format for Kindle |
Read eBook • Load eBook in browser |
Text File eBook • Computers • Windows • Mac |
Reviews (Rated: 5 Stars - 1 review) |
---|
Reviewer: Matthew - September 4, 2018 Subject: Reading for school Choose this book because I love pigs and I never thought it will make my day. Its very funny story and I learned new words. |