Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 158, 1920-02-25   By: Various

VOL. 158.

February 25th, 1920.

CHARIVARIA.

"Another American," says a Washington despatch, "has been captured by Mexicans and is being held to ransom." We deplore these pin prick tactics. If there is something about the United States that President CARRANZA wants changed he should say so.

A contemporary states that the old theory, that when your ears burn it means that people are talking about you, is accurate. Upon hearing this a dear old lady at once commenced to crochet a set of asbestos ear guards for Mr. CHURCHILL.

The American gentleman who claims to have invented revues is shortly coming over to England for a holiday. Personally we should advise him to wait until the crime wave has died down a bit.

It is pleasing to note that in spite of the recent spring like weather the POET LAUREATE is calmly keeping his head.

In their last Note to Holland on the subject of the ex Kaiser's trial the Allied Governments drop a hint that it was they and not Holland who won the War. It is impossible to be too definite on this matter.

Cotton, it is announced, has gone up to tenpence a reel. The new American whisky stands at the same figure.

"Boys sing automatically, like parrots," declares the choirmaster of St. John's Church, Grimsby. His facts are wrong. The only thing automatic about a parrot is its bite.

So thirsty were the Americans on board, it is stated, that on her homeward trip the Mauretania was drunk dry two days out. To remedy this unsatisfactory state of affairs a syndicate of wealthy Americans is understood to be formulating an offer to tow Ireland over to the New Jersey coast if a liquor licence is granted to the tug.

There is no truth in the report that, as the result of a majority vote of the Dublin Corporation, the sword and mace have been replaced by a pistol and mitre.

We live in strenuous times. The MAD MULLAH has been reported in action and Willesden has won the London Draughts' Tournament.

By the way, those who remember the MAD MULLAH'S earlier escapades are of the opinion that it is high time for him to be killed again.

The HOME SECRETARY hopes to introduce an Anti Firearms Bill. Under this Act it is expected that it will be made illegal for criminals to shoot at people into whose homes they break.

A postcard posted in 1888 has just been delivered to The Leeds Mercury , and they ask if this is a record. Not a permanent one, if the Post Office can help it.

A young lady told the Stratford magistrates that she gave up her young man because he said he was a millionaire, and she had later learned that he was a waiter. But there is nothing contradictory in this.

The ex CROWN PRINCE has written in the Tägliche Rundschau on "How I Lost the War." He pays a fine tribute to the British soldier, who, it appears, helped him to lose it.

"How to Manage Twopenny Eggs" is the headline of a morning paper. A good plan is to grip them firmly round the neck and wring it.

An article in Tit Bits tells readers how to make canaries pay. We have felt for some time that there must be a better method than that of suing the birds in the County Court.

"Useful wedding presents are now the vogue," says a weekly journal. Only last week we heard of a Scotsman who at a recent wedding gave the bride away.

"The Jolly Bachelors" is the title of a new club at Nottingham. No attempt has yet been made to start a Jolly Husbands' Club.

It is gratifying to learn that the workman who last week fell from some scaffolding in Oxford Street, but managed to grasp a rope and hang on to it till rescued fifteen minutes later, has now been elected an honorary member of the Underground Travellers' Association.