Punch, Or The London Charivari, Volume 102, January 23, 1892   By: Various

OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

VOL. 102.

January 23, 1892.

THE COVENT GARDEN MASQUE.

Mumming masking masquerading; Fanning fun fanfaronading; Dancing duncing deft disguises; Singing supping strange (sur) prizes; Galloping and gallivanting Couples much in need of BANTING; All the customary make up CLARKSON's customers can fake up; All the little childish raiment, Fatties don for sylph and fay meant; Tally hos and Hey no nonnies: Jackies Jillies Jennies Johnnies Barber's blockhead nothing dafter Heralding "Before and After": "Auntie's Bottle Hot" a phial Only for external trial Gems of London gems of Paris Arid gusts AUGUSTUS HARRIS Splitting mirth some garbs that split, too Aching heads next morning, ditto!

TO BE AVOIDED. An Intemperate tone by a Temperance lecturer.

[Illustration: Benevolent Stranger . "ALLOW ME, SIR, TO OFFER YOU A DRINK!"

Unfortunate Sportsman ( just out of Brook ). "THANKS; BUT I'VE HAD A DROP TOO MUCH ALREADY!"]

RESPECTABILITY.

["What is Respectability?" Daily Telegraph, Jan. 12. ]

It's having money at the Bank. It's being a personage of rank. It's having spent three years at College With great, or little, gain of knowledge. It's going to Church twice every Sunday, And keeping in with Mrs. GRUNDY. It's clothes well cut, and shiny hat, And faultless boots, and nice cravat. It may be Law, or Church, or Ale, Or Trade on a sufficient scale. It's being "something in the City." It's carefully to shun being witty. It's letting tradesmen live on credit. It's "Oof" to earn it, or to wed it.

PROFESSOR JOLLY, of Berlin, who, if his name express his disposition, ought to be a follower of Mark Tapley , reckons that twenty five per cent. of the inmates of asylums have been inebriates. Is the Professor "Jolly well right?"

A DIALOGUE OF THE FUTURE.

SCENE Rooms of a Cambridge Tutor.

PERSONS A Tutor and an Undergraduate.

Tutor . I understand you were at Newmarket yesterday. Is that so?

Undergraduate . It is. I was.

[Illustration]

Tutor . A shameless avowal. Are you aware that you have broken one of the disciplinary regulations of your College? I fear I must punish you severely. Have you anything to say why sentence should not be passed upon you. [ Assumes the black College Cap.

Undergraduate . Yes, Sir, I have.

Tutor . Then say it at once.

Undergraduate . I went to Newmarket to see [ Hesitates.

Tutor . Proceed, Sir. Time presses. You went to see what?

Undergraduate . As a matter of fact, I was particularly anxious to see the Head of the University.

Tutor . What do you mean, Sir?

Undergraduate . The chief Dignitary of Cambridge, the Chancellor, the Duke of DEVONSHIRE.

Tutor . You are trifling with me.

Undergraduate . Not at all, Sir. The Chancellor was there in state. I saw him. My curiosity was satisfied, and I returned to Cambridge.

Tutor ( after a pause ). Ah, of course that alters the case. If you can assure me you did not go for the purpose of watching horse races

Undergraduate ( breaking in ). Certainly, Sir. I do give you the assurance.

Tutor . That being so, I dismiss you with a caution.

[ Exit Undergraduate. The Tutor is left pondering.

ANOTHER RURAL CONFERENCE.

[A Church Dignitary, writing to The Globe , suggests that the rural reform most urgently needed is a better postal system in the shires.]

[Illustration]

Radical Reformer ( meeting Rural Labourer tramping to London ). Yours is a typical case, my man. You are a victim of our insensate Land Laws, or exploded Feudalism. No doubt you are leaving the country because you could not find employment there?