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A Parody Outline of History By: Donald Ogden Stewart (1894-1980) |
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By Donald Ogden Stewart
Wherein may be found a curiously irreverent treatment of
AMERICAN HISTORICAL EVENTS
Imagining them as they would be narrated
by American's most characteristic
contemporary authors
To GILBERT HOLLAND STEWART, Jr.
Preface Mr. H. G. Wells, in his "Outline of History," was of necessity forced to
omit the narration of many of the chief events in the history of these
United States. Such omissions I have in this brief volume endeavored
to supply. And as American history can possibly best be written by
Americans and as we have among us no H. G. Wells, I have imagined
an American history as written conjointly by a group of our most
characteristic literary figures. Apologies are due the various authors whose style and, more
particularly, whose Weltanschauung I have here attempted to reproduce;
thanks are due The Bookman for permission to reprint such of these
chapters as appeared in that publication. I give both freely. D. O. S. Contents I INTRODUCTION: A Critical Survey of American History In the Manner of
William Lyon Phelps II CRISTOFER COLOMBO: A Comedy of Discovery In the Manner of James
Branch Cabell III MAIN STREET: Plymouth, Mass In the Manner of Sinclair Lewis IV THE COURTSHIP OF, MILES STANDISH In the Manner of F. Scott Fitzgerald V THE SPIRIT OF '75: Letters of a Minute Man In the Manner of Ring
Lardner VI THE WHISKY REBELLION In the Bedtime Story Manner of Thornton W.
Burgess VII HOW LOVE CAME TO GENERAL GRANT In the Manner of Harold Bell Wright VIII CUSTER'S LAST STAND In the Manner of Edith Wharton IX FOR THE FREEDOM OF THE WORLD: A Drama of the Great War Act I In the
Manner of Mary Raymond Shipman Andrews Act 2 In the Manner of Eugene
O'Neill
CHAPTER ONE INTRODUCTION A CRITICAL SURVEY OF AMERICAN HISTORY In the Manner of William Lyon Phelps On a memorable evening in the year 1904 I witnessed the opening
performance of Maude Adams in "Peter Pan". Nothing in the world can
describe the tremendous enthusiasm of that night! I shall never forget
the moment when Peter came to the front of the stage and asked the
audience if we believed in fairies. I am happy to say that I was
actually the first to respond. Leaping at once out of my seat, I shouted
"Yes Yes!" To my intense pleasure the whole house almost instantly
followed my example, with the exception of one man. This man was sitting
directly in front of me. His lack of enthusiasm was to me incredible.
I pounded him on the back and shouted, "Great God, man, are you alive!
Wake up! Hurrah for the fairies! Hurrah!" Finally he uttered a rather
feeble "Hurrah!" Childe Roland to the dark tower came. That was my first meeting with that admirable statesman Woodrow Wilson,
and I am happy to state that from that night we became firm friends.
When Mr. Wilson was inaugurated in 1913 I called on him at the White
House, taking with me some members of my Yale drama class. Each one of
us had an edition of the president's admirable "History of the American
People", and I am glad to say that he was kind enough to autograph each
of the ten volumes for all of us. Early in Mr. Wilson's second term as president, just before the break
with Germany, I was sitting in the quiet of my library rereading
Browning's "Cristina". When I came to the third stanza I leaped to my
feet the thing seemed incredible, but here before my eyes was actually
Browning's prophetic message to America in regard to the submarine
sinkings. "Oh, we're sunk enough here, God knows! But not so sunk that
moments etc." It is an extraordinary evidence of the man's genius that
in 1840 he should have perhaps foreseen prophetically the happenings
of seventy six years later! Not only did Browning seem to know what was
bound to happen, but he told us the remedy. I sat right down and wrote
to my good friend the president, enclosing a marked copy of the poem. On
the sixth of April, 1917, war was declared... Continue reading book >>
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History |
Literature |
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