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The Substitute Deep Waters, Part 9. By: W. W. Jacobs (1863-1943) |
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By W.W. JACOBS
THE SUBSTITUTE The night watchman had just returned to the office fire after leaving it
to attend a ring at the wharf bell. He sat for some time puffing
fiercely at his pipe and breathing heavily. "Boys!" he said, at last. "That's the third time this week, and yet if I
was to catch one and skin 'im alive I suppose I should get into trouble
over it. Even 'is own father and mother would make a fuss, most like.
Some people have boys, and other people 'ave the trouble of 'em. Our
street's full of 'em, and the way they carry on would make a monkey 'ouse
ashamed of itself. The man next door to me's got seven of 'em, and when
I spoke to 'im friendly about it over a pint one night, he put the blame
on 'is wife. "The worst boy I ever knew used to be office boy in this 'ere office, and
I can't understand now why I wasn't 'ung for him. Undersized little chap
he was, with a face the colour o' bad pie crust, and two little black
eyes like shoe buttons. To see 'im with his little white cuffs, and a
stand up collar, and a little black bow, and a little bowler 'at, was
enough to make a cat laugh. I told 'im so one day, and arter that we
knew where we was. Both of us. "By rights he ought to 'ave left the office at six just my time for
coming on. As it was, he used to stay late, purtending to work 'ard so
as to get a rise. Arter all the clerks 'ad gorn 'ome he used to sit
perched up on a stool yards too 'igh for him, with one eye on the ledger
and the other looking through the winder at me. I remember once going
off for 'arf a pint, and when I come back I found 'im with a policeman,
two carmen, and all the hands off of the Maid Marian, standing on the
edge of the jetty, waiting for me to come up. He said that, not finding
me on the wharf, 'e made sure that I must 'ave tumbled overboard, as he
felt certain that I wouldn't neglect my dooty while there was breath in
my body; but 'e was sorry to find 'e was mistook. He stood there talking
like a little clergyman, until one of the carmen knocked his 'at over 'is
eyes, and then he forgot 'imself for a bit. "Arter that I used to wait until he 'ad gorn afore I 'ad my arf pint. I
didn't want my good name taken away, and I had to be careful, and many's
the good arf pint I 'ad to refuse because that little imitation monkey
was sitting in the office drawing faces on 'is blotting paper. But
sometimes it don't matter 'ow careful you are, you make a mistake. "There was a little steamer, called the Eastern Monarch, used to come up
here in them days, once a week. Fat little tub she was, with a crew o'
fattish old men, and a skipper that I didn't like. He'd been in the
coasting trade all 'is life, while I've knocked about all over the world,
but to hear 'im talk you'd think he knew more about things than I did. "Eddication, Bill,' he ses one evening, 'that's the thing! You can't
argufy without it; you only talk foolish, like you are doing now.' "'There's eddication and there's common sense,' I ses. 'Some people 'as
one and some people 'as the other. Give me common sense.' "'That's wot you want,' he ses, nodding. "'And, o' course,' I ses, looking at 'im, 'there's some people 'asn't got
either one or the other.' "The office boy came out of the office afore he could think of an answer,
and the pair of 'em stood there talking to show off their cleverness,
till their tongues ached. I took up my broom and went on sweeping, and
they was so busy talking long words they didn't know the meaning of to
each other that they was arf choked with dust afore they noticed it.
When they did notice it they left off using long words, and the skipper
tried to hurt my feelings with a few short ones 'e knew. "'It's no good wasting your breath on 'im,' ses the boy. 'You might as
well talk to a beer barrel.' "He went off, dusting 'imself down with his little pocket 'ankercher, and
arter the skipper 'ad told me wot he'd like to do, only he was too sorry
for me to do it, 'e went back to the ship to put on a clean collar, and
went off for the evening... Continue reading book >>
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Genres for this book |
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Fiction |
Humor |
Literature |
Sea stories |
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