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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, April 9, 1892   By:

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VOL. 102.

April 9th, 1892.


The Reader will kindly imagine that he has crossed Hammersmith Bridge, and is being carried along by a jostling stream of sightseers towards Mortlake. The banks are already occupied although it still wants half an hour to the time fixed for the start by a triple row of the more patient and prudent spectators. On the left of the path, various more or less Shady Characters have established their "pitches," and are doing their best to beguile the unsophisticated.

First Shady Character ( presiding over a particoloured roulette board with a revolving and not unmanageable index ). Three to one any colour you like! Fairest game in the world! I'm a backin' I'm a layin'.... Pop it on, you sportsmen! ( Two Sportsmen a couple of shop boys " pop it on ," in coppers .) Yaller was your colour and it is a yaller cap, sure enough! I 'm a payin' this time. Try it again! ( They do. ) Blue's your fancy this turn, my lord. And green it is ! Good ole Hireland for ever! Twenty can play at this game as well as one! Don't be afraid o' yer luck 'ave another go. Red did you put your coppers on? And it's yaller again and you lose! ( The Sportsmen pass on with empty pockets .) Fairest game in the world!

Second S.C. ( who has been conducting a Confidence Auction from a barrow and egg box ). Well, I 'ope you're all satisfied, and if you ain't ( candidly ) it don't make no bloomin' difference to me, for I'm orf these premises is comin' down fur alterations. [ He gets off the barrow, shoulders the egg box, and departs in search of fresh dupes.

A Vendor. Now all you who are fond of a bit o' fun and amusement, jest you stop and invest a penny in this little article I am now about to introdooce to your notice, warranted to make yer proficient in the 'ole art and practice of Photography in the small space of five seconds and a arf and I think you'll agree with me as it ain't possible to become an expert photographer at a smaller expense than the sum of one penny. 'Ere I 'old in my 'and a simple little machine, consistin' of a small sheet of glorss in a gilt frame. I've been vaccinated five 'underd and forty one times, never been bit by a mad dog in my life, and all these articles have been thoroughly fumigated before leaving the factory, therefore you'll agree with me you needn't be afraid o' catchin' the Inflooenza. They tell me it's nearly died out now and no wonder, with everythink a cure for it but this article is a certain remedy. All you've got to do is to bite off a corner of the glorss, takin' care to be near a public 'ouse at the time, chew the glorss into small fragments, enter the public 'ouse, call for a pot o' four ale, and drink it orf quick. It operates in this way the minoot portions of the glorss git between the jaws of the microbe, preventin' 'im from closin' 'is mouth, and thereby enablin' you to suffocate 'im with the four ale. ( To the Reader. ) Will you allow me to show you how this little invention takes a photograph, Sir? kindly 'old it in your 'and, breathe on it, and look steadily on the plate for the space of a few seconds. ( All of which the Reader, being the soul of courtesy, obligingly does and is immediately rewarded by observing the outline of a donkey's head produced upon the glass. ) Now if you'll 'and that round, Sir, to allow the company to judge whether it ain't a correct likeness [ But here the Reader will probably prefer to pass on.

Third S.C. ( who is crouching on ground by a tin case, half covered with a rug, and yelling ). Ow ow ow ow!... Come an' see the wonderful little popsy wopsy Marmoseet, what kin tork five lengwidges, walk round, shake 'ands, tell yer 'is buthday, 'is percise age, and where he was keptured!

[ Crowd collects to inspect this zoological phenomenon, which as soon as an inconvenient Constable is out of hearing reveals itself as an illicit lottery... Continue reading book >>

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