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Punch Among the Planets By: Various |
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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Christmas Number 1890. [Illustration: Punch Among the Planets] CHRISTMAS NUMBER 1890. INTRODUCTION. The Old Year was fast nearing its close, the night was clear and
starry, and Father Time, from the top of his observatory tower, was
taking a last look round. To him entered, unannounced save by the staccato yap of the faithful
Tobias , Time's unfailing friend, unerring Mentor, and immortal
contemporary, Mr. Punch . " I am not for an age, but for All Time," freely quoted the Swan's
sole parallel. "And very much at Time's service," he added, throwing
open his fur lined "Immensikoff," and lighting a cigar at the
Scythe bearer's lantern. [Illustration: Punch Among the Planets] "Happy to meet you once more, Mr. Punch ," responded old Edax Rerum,
turning from what the poet calls his 'Optic Tube' to welcome his
sprightly visitor. "Awfully good of you to turn up just now. Like
True THOMAS's Teufelsdröckh , 'I am alone with the Stars,' and was
beginning to feel just a little bit lonely." "With the Voces Stellarum to keep you company? You surprise me,"
said Mr. Punch . "But what is all this?" he added, pointing with
accustomed eye to a pile of MS. at TIME's elbow. If so old a stager as Father TIME can blush, he certainly did so on
this occasion. "Fact is, Mr. Punch ," he rejoined, "I, like younger and shall I
say lesser Celebrities, have been writing my 'Reminiscences.' Ha ha!
The Chronicles of Chronos in 6,000 volumes or so up to now. This
is a small portion of my Magnum Opus . Can you recommend me to a
publisher?" "Ask my friend Archdeacon FARRAR," responded the Sage, drily. "What
a work! And what a sensation! TALLEYRAND's long talked of 'Memoirs'
not in it! Do you know, my dear TIME, I think you had better postpone
the publication for an æon or so at least. Your Magnum Opus might
become a Scandalum Magnatum ." "Ah, perhaps so," replied TIME, with a sigh. "Alone with the Stars," pursued Mr. Punch , meditatively. "Humph! The
Solar System alone ought to provide you with plenty of company." "Yes." responded TIME, "but, after all, you know, telescopic
intercourse is not entirely satisfactory. Like EDGAR POE's Hans
Pfaal , I feel I should like to come to closer quarters with the
'heavenly bodies' as the pedagogues call them." "And why not?" queried Mr. Punch , coolly. "As how?" asked his companion. "TIME, my boy" laughed the Sage, "you seem a bit behind yourself.
Listen! 'Mr. EDISON is prosecuting an experiment designed to catch and
record the sounds made in the sun's photosphere when solar spots are
formed by eruptions beneath the surface.' Have you not read the latest
of the Edisoniana?" TIME admitted he had not. "TIME, you rogue, you love to get
Sweets upon your list put that in," quoted the Sage. "Something piquant for the 6001st Vol. of your
Chronicles. But, after all, what is EDISON compared with Me? If you
really wish for a turn round the Solar System, a peregrination of the
Planets, put aside that antiquated spy glass of yours and come with
Me!" And, "taking TIME by the forelock," in a very real sense, the Sage of
Fleet Street rose with him like a Brock rocket, high, and swift, and
light compelling, into the star spangled vault of heaven. "SIC ITUR AD ASTRA!" said the Sage. "Twinkle, twinkle, Fleet Street Star!
Saturn wonders who you are,
Up above the world so high,
Like a portent in the sky.
Wonders if, Jove like, you want,
Him to banish and supplant!
Fear not, Saturn; Punch's bolt
Arms Right Order, not Revolt;
Dread no fratricidal wars
From this 'Star' among the Stars!" VISIT TO SATURN. "I am glad to hear that , at any rate," said Saturn, welcoming the
illustrious guests to his remote golden ringed realm. [Illustration] Saturn, however, did not look exactly comfortable, and his voice, how
unlike "To that large utterance of the early gods," sounded quavering
and querulous... Continue reading book >>
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