Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 102, June 18, 1892   By: Various

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He is an elderly amiable little Dutchman in a soft felt hat; his name is BOSCH, and he is taking me about. Why I engaged him I don't quite know unless from a general sense of helplessness in Holland, and a craving for any kind of companionship. Now I have got him, I feel rather more helpless than ever a sort of composite of Sandford and Merton , with a didactic, but frequently incomprehensible Dutch Barlow . My Sandford half would like to exhibit an intelligent curiosity, but is generally suppressed by Merton , who has a morbid horror of useful information. Not that BOSCH is remarkably erudite, but nevertheless he contrives to reduce me to a state of imbecility, which I catch myself noting with a pained surprise. There is a statue in the Plein, and the Sandford element in me finds a satisfaction in recognising it aloud as WILLIAM the Silent. It is but, as my Merton part thinks, a fellow would be a fool if he didn't recognise WILLIAM after a few hours in Holland his images, in one form or another, are tolerably numerous. Still, BOSCH is gratified. "Yass, dot is ole VOLLIAM," he says, approvingly, as to a precocious infant just beginning to take notice. "Lokeer," he says, "you see dot Apoteek?" He indicates a chemist's shop opposite, with nothing remarkable about it externally, except a Turk's head with his tongue out over the door. "Yes, I, speaking for Sandford and Merton , see it has it some historical interest did VOLLIAM get medicine there, or what?" "Woll, dis mornin dare vas two sairvans dere, and de von cot two blaces out of de odder's haid, and afderwarts he go opstairs and vas hang himself mit a pedbost," BOSCH evidently rather proud of this as illustrating the liveliness of The Hague. "Was he mad?" "Yass, he vas mard, mit a vife and seeks childrens." "No, but was he out of his senses?" "I tink it vas oud of Omsterdam he vas com," says BOSCH. "But how did it happen?" "Wol sare, de broprietor vas die, and leaf de successor de pusiness, and he dells him in von mons he will go, begause he nod egsamin to be a Chimigal so he do it, and dey dake him to de hosbital, and I tink he vas die too by now!" adds BOSCH, cheerfully. Very sad affair evidently but a little complicated. Sandford would like to get to the bottom of it, but Merton convinced there is no bottom. So, between us, subject allowed to drop. Sandford (now in the ascendant again) notices, as the clever boy, inscription on house front, "Hier woonden GROEN VAN PRINSTERER, 1838 76." "I suppose that means VAN PRINSTERER lived here, BOSCH?" "Yass, dot vas it." "And who was he?" "He vas wol, he vos a Member of de Barliaments." "Was he celebrated?" "Celebrated? oh, yass!" "What did he do ?" (I think Merton gets this in.) "Do?" says BOSCH, quite indignantly, "he nefer do nodings !" BOSCH takes me into the Fishmarket, when he directs my attention to a couple of very sooty live storks, who are pecking about at the refuse. "Dose birts are shtorks; hier dey vas oblige to keep alvays two shtorks for de arms of de Haag. Ven de yong shtorks porn, de old vons vas kill." Sandford shocked Merton sceptical. "Keel dem? Oh, yass, do anytings mit dem ven dey vas old," says BOSCH, and adds: "Ve haf de breference mit de shtorks, eh?" What is he driving at? "Yass ven ve vas old, ve vas nod kill." This reminds BOSCH Barlow like of an anecdote. "Dere vas a vrent to me," he begins, "he com and say to me, 'BOSCH, I am god so shtout and my bark is so dick, I can go no more on my lacks vat vas I do?' To him I say, 'Wol, I dell you vat I do mit you I dake you at de booshair to be cot op; I tink you vas make vary goot shdeak meat!'" Wonder whether this is a typical sample of BOSCH's badinage . "What did he say to that, BOSCH?" "Oh, he vas vair moch loff, a course!" says BOSCH, with the natural complacency of a successful humorist... Continue reading book >>