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Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. CLVIII, January 7, 1920 By: Various |
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VOLUME 158, JANUARY 7, 1920 [Illustration: Punch. Vol. CLVIII.] LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C.4.
1920.
Bradbury, Agnew & Co., Ltd.,
Printers,
Whitefriars, London, E.C.4. [Illustration: VOLUME CLVIII.] NEW WELLS FOR OLD. Over the top of Part II. of The Outline of History I caught the
smiling glance of the man in the opposite corner of the compartment. "Good stuff that," he said, indicating the History with a jerk of his
head. "Quite," I agreed, maintaining my distance. "Immense," he continued. "And it means the dawn of a new life for
me. I'm WELLS'S hero. Every time I've appeared in his half yearly
masterpiece, ever since Tono Bungay . And look at the mess he's made
of my life. Often I've had to start it under the cloud of mysterious
parentage. Invariably I have been endowed with a Mind (capital M).
Think of those uphill fights of mine against adverse conditions.
And my unhappy marriages. He has led me into every variation of
infidelity. When I did hit it off with my wife for once, he sent us
to the Arctic regions as a punishment. In the depth of winter, too. But, now he's taken up this History, I'm free. The dam has burst and
strange things come floating down ..." He sprang to his feet in his excitement. He was wearing a
loose fitting suit and what his master might call a lower middle class
hat. "And now I'm going to do all the things I've always wanted to do. A
happy marriage; well ordered life in the suburbs; warm slippers in the
fender, and all that that stands for; kinemas, perhaps, and bowls. An
allotment ..." "But," I objected, "this History won't occupy him for ever. There
should be only about sixteen more parts. He'll have you out again next
autumn." "But WELLS is getting the Suburban idea too." He was standing right
over me, glaring horribly with excitement. The train had entered a
tunnel and he was shouting bravely against the din. "Look in Part
I. He acknowledges the help he has received from Mrs. WELLS. And her
watchful criticism. That from him ! I tell you I am free free!" He was shaking me by the shoulders now, his face close to mine. "I
shall have my allotment. Prize parsnips giant marrows!" "Don't be too sure," I yelled the tunnel seemed endless. "Remember
poor old Sherlock . DOYLE raised him from the dead. And you" my
voice rising to a scream "he'll have you out out OUT!" As I came to I heard my dentist remark to the doctor that I always had
been a bad patient under gas. MR. PUNCH ON SILK STOCKINGS. DEAR MR. PUNCH, Your article about Christmas presents was a great
success. I took your advice about the silk stockings, and sent the
following verses with them, which some of your married readers may
care to cut out and keep for future use: Your stockings once, on Christmas Eve,
Would hang, your cot adorning,
And Father Christmas, we believe,
Would fill them ere the morning;
But since he spied your dainty toes
To exchange the parts he's willing:
He thinks it's his to send the hose
And yours to find the filling.
He lays his offerings at your feet
And hopes you won't deride them,
For he has nothing half so neat
As you to put inside them. There! I can only repeat that the results were excellent, and express
my gratitude to you for the same. Yours obediently,
GRATEFUL HUSBAND. P.S. The ties I got this time were quite all right; she too must have
read your article. NATURE AND ART. To Betty, who can afford to defy the laws of symmetry. [Being reflections on the old theory, recently developed
before the Hellenic Society by Mr. JAY HAMBRIDGE, that certain
formulæ of proportions found in nature notably in the normal
ratio between a man's height and the span of his outstretched
arms (2: [square root] 5) constituted the basis of symmetry
in the art of the Greeks and, earlier, of the Egyptians... Continue reading book >>
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