Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, February 5, 1919   By: Various

VOL. 156

FEBRUARY 5, 1919.

CHARIVARIA.

The Germans refer to the Armistice negotiations as Waffenstillstandeverhandlungen . We hope it will be worse even than they think.

There is no truth in the rumour that among the many new performances of Hamlet which are promised there will be one in aid of the fund for brightening the lives of the clergy, with the Gloomy Dean as the Gloomy Dane.

"We Americans do not consider ourselves the salt of the earth," says Senator HENRY. No, but their bacon certainly is.

In view of the fact that there is a large quantity of marmalade in the country, it has been decided to release it. This is such a satisfactory solution of the problem that people are wondering whether the Food Ministry thought of that one themselves.

Our heart goes out to the soldier who, when offered, on demobilisation, the option of fifty two shillings and sixpence or a standard suit, replied that he would rather pay the fine.

The only surprising thing about Mr. C.B. COCHRAN'S proposal for a Peace Fair in Hyde Park, to be arranged largely by himself, is that there is no mention of a Serpentine dance for DELYSIA.

The Australian Government proposes to send returned Australian soldiers to prospect for minerals in the Northern Territories. Whether they will be interested in them after their experience in England in failing to locate quarts is another matter.

Sir EDWARD ELGAR has dedicated his new orchestral work, "Polonia," to M. PADEREWSKI. The report that the distinguished pianist politician is thinking of retorting with a fugue, "Stiltonia," is not confirmed.

The Aircraft Salvage branch announces that not less than one thousand five hundred yards of the aeroplane linen which is being disposed of to the public will be sold to one purchaser. In the event of the purchaser deciding to use it as a pocket handkerchief he can have it hemstitched for a trifling sum.

Improvement is reported in the condition of the taxi cab driver who had a seizure in Piccadilly Circus while attempting to say "Thank you" to a fare.

We are pleased to be able to announce that the Kensington man who last week managed to board a tube train has consented to write a book about it.

Writing to a contemporary a Leeds correspondent says that he does not think much of an inactive corporation. As a matter of fact, since the introduction of rationing we didn't think active ones were being worn.

As a result of munition work, says a health journal, quite a number of men have given up smoking tobacco. We suppose the theory is that they have now taken to smoking threepenny cigars.

Mrs. MAGGIE HATHWAY of Montana is to be congratulated upon running a six hundred acre farm without the help of men's labour. After all we men must admit that her sporting effort is a distinct score for the second oldest sex in the world.

Anglesea Police Commission are offering one shilling and sixpence a dozen for rats' tails to residents of the county. Some difficulty is expected in distinguishing local from imported tails once they are separated from the rat.

In connection with the offers for Drury Lane Theatre it appears that one of the would be purchasers declares that he was more syndicate than sinning.

In connection with the epidemic of burglaries in London, The Daily Express has now published a leader note saying there have been too many of late. It is hoped that this will have the desired effect.

We are glad to report that the gentleman who, at the BURNS festival, upon being asked if he would take a little haggis replied that he wouldn't mind trying a wing, managed to escape with his life.