First Page:
Vol. 153.[Illustration]
Punch 1917.07.04
[Illustration: VOL. CLIII]
MENTIONED IN DESPATCHES.
The oldest inhabitant sat on a bench in the sun, the day's newspaper
spread across his knees, and the newest visitor sat beside him.
"He do be mentioned in despatches, do our Billy, by Sir DOUGLAS HAIG
himself. If it hadn't a been for him, where'd the Army been? he says. I
knowed him ever since I come to these parts, and that weren't yesterday.
He'd come round that there bend a whistling, not sort o' cockahoop, like
some does, but just a cheery sort o' 'Here I am again;' and he'd always
stop most anywhere, if so be as you held up your hand.
"I've seed ladies with their golf clubs runnin' up from the club house,
and he'd just sort of whistle to show as he seed them, and wait for them
as perlite as any gentleman. For it do be powerful hot to walk back home
with your golf clubs after two rounds; I was a caddy, I was, 'fore I
went on the line, so I knows what I'm telling you.
"It didn't make no difference if they was champions or duffers what
couldn't carry the burn not if they tried all day. Or if it were an old
woman a goin' back from market with all her cabbages and live ducks and
eggs and onions it were all just the same to little Billy.
"Then I mind the day he was took. George he come up and tells me as they
have took Billy because the Army wants all it can get. I was fair
knocked over, and him so little and all.
"Then the Captain, what was the best golfer here, come back for leave.
"'Grandpa,' says he, same as he always call me 'Grandpa,' he says,
'I've been thinking about Billy all the time I've been out, and longing
to hear him whistle again, and now I'm home and he's gone. I shall have
to get back to France again to see him.'
"So he will, Sir, and if Billy was going up right under the German guns
it's my belief as Captain would get out of his trench to go and see him.
"What regiment is Billy in, did you say, Sir? Why, he got no regiment.
Ain't I been telling you, Sir, 'Puffing Billy' is what our golfers here
call the little train what used to run six times a day from the town to
the links. Just see what the paper says, Sir. I don't be much of a
reader, but hark ye to this: 'I wish also to place on record here the
fact that the successful solution of the problem of railway transport
would have been impossible had it not been for the patriotism of the
railway companies at home. They did not hesitate to give up their
locomotives and rolling stock.'
"That's 'Puffing Billy,' Sir, him what I've put the signal down for
hundreds an' hundreds of times. I miss him powerful bad, but the Army
wanted him, and we've been and got some thanks too. I'm proud to think
my Billy's in the paper."
THE MELTING POT.
["The municipality of Rothausen has decided to present to the collection
of metal which is being made in Germany its monument of Kaiser WILLIAM
THE FIRST." Reuter .]
Heavy is Armageddon's price
And loud the call to sacrifice;
All stuff composed of likely metals
Door knockers, hairpins, cans and kettles
Into the War's insatiate melting pot
Has to be shot.
That was a hard and bitter blow
When first your church bells had to go
Those saintly bells that rang carillons
While in the maw of happy millions
Pure joy and gratitude to Heaven thrilled
For babies killed.
It hurt your Christian hearts to melt
A source of faith so keenly felt;
And now (worse sacrilege than that) you
Propose to take yon regal statue,
That godlike effigy, and make a gun
Of WILLIAM ONE!
What will He say when you reduce
His Relative to cannon juice?
The prospect must be pretty rotten
If thus the Never To Be Forgotten
Is treated, like the corpses of your friends,
For useful ends.
I hear the ALL HIGHEST mutter, "Ha!
They're liquefying Grandpapa!
The nation's needs, that grow acuter,
Count sacred things as so much pewter;
Even my holy crown may go some day
Down the red way!"
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