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Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, April 9, 1919 By: Various |
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OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 156. April 9, 1919.
CHARIVARIA. A Brass hat employed at the Air Ministry recently requested that
his salary might be reduced on the ground that there was now very
little work for him to do. As no other symptoms developed, the close
observation kept upon him has now been relaxed. To what extent the habit of war economy is embedded in the minds of
the British public was illustrated at Woodford Green on March 29th,
when a lady entered the local Post Office and endeavoured to purchase
some Daylight Saving Certificates. The War Office Staff, it was stated in the House of Commons, has been
reduced from 21,807 to 19,510 since the Armistice. It is only fair
to point out that the vast bulk of them were not asked whether they
wanted an Armistice. The War Office talks of re issuing to the Volunteers the rifles and
equipment which were long ago called in. This threat is likely to
discourage many of them from volunteering for the next Peace. Experiments are being conducted with the view of discovering the best
use to which obsolete army tanks can be put. Attached to a piece of
cheese they are said to make excellent mouse traps. "The police," says The Irish Times , à propos of the escape
of twenty Sinn Feiners from Mountjoy prison, "are pursuing active
inquiries." This is much simpler than pursuing active Sinn Feiners. "Ever since the snowdrop gave the first hint of Spring," burbles
a contemporary, "we have watched the miracle of the young year
unfolding." It certainly was a miracle in the weather we had last
week. The suggestion is being put forward in certain quarters that, in order
to save time, the Commission to fix the responsibility for the Peace
should begin to sit at once. It is not known definitely how many ex munition workers in this
country are at present in Government unemployment. In connection with the recent report that the Sittinghurst Vermin Club
had killed 1,175 mice in one day, we are asked to say that the number
should be 1,176. It appears that one mouse made its way in a state of
collapse to the Club headquarters and gave itself up. From the newspapers we gather that a sample of water analysed by the
Essex County Analyst contained seven per cent. of milk. A man charged with burglary in Hoxton Street was captured in a
meat storage ice house. It is said that, remembering a well known
precedent, he tried to evade capture by making a noise like a frozen
Canterbury lamb. Sir SAMUEL SCOTT says that the odds are that a quack will kill
you quicker than a qualified doctor. All the same we prefer the
slow and sure method. According to the Bishop of MANCHESTER there is a shortage of curates.
A spinster writes to say that she is not surprised, considering how
quickly they get snapped up. With reference to the burglar who made off with the jewels of ex Queen
AMELIE, it is said that the fellow contemplates in future styling
himself on his visiting cards as "Housebreaker to the ex Queen of
Portugal." A weekly paper states that if every soldier who served in France
during the War would place all the letters he had received in a line
they would reach a little more than once round the world. We hear,
however, that, as the present addresses of several demobilised men
are unknown, the feat will not be attempted. "Between ten and fifteen thousand years ago," says Professor KEITH,
"Scotland became fit for habitation." We ourselves should not have
assigned so remote a date to the introduction of whisky into that
country. "There is no place like home," says a gossip writer. This seems to
indicate that spring cleaning has started at his residence. "It isn't every year we celebrate peace," says a correspondent in a
weekly paper. The usual custom, of course, is to celebrate peace about
once every war... Continue reading book >>
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Essay/Short nonfiction |
Non-fiction |
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