Books Should Be Free
Loyal Books
Free Public Domain Audiobooks & eBook Downloads
Search by: Title, Author or Keyword

Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 104, April 15, 1893   By:

Book cover

First Page:

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

VOLUME 104

APRIL 15th 1893

Edited by Sir Francis Burnand

[Illustration: PERILOUS POSITION OF A GALLANT OFFICER OF VOLUNTEERS.

On a recent March, who ( ever thoughtful for the comfort of his hired Charger ) chooses the cooling waters of the Ford in preference to the Bridge .

"HERE! HI! HELP, SOMEBODY! HOLD ON! I MEAN HALT! HE WON'T COME OUT, AND HE WANTS TO LIE DOWN, AND I BELIEVE HE'S GOING TO REAR!"]

POLITICAL MEETINGS.

A CROWDED, gas lit, stuffy hall, A prosy speaker, such a duffer, A mob that loves to stamp and bawl, Noise, suffocation how I suffer!

What is he saying? "Mr. G. Attacks the British Constitution, It therefore er er falls to me To move the first er resolution:

"That er the Shrimpington on Sea United Primrose Habitations Pronounce (' Hear, hear! ') these Bills to be Iniquitous ( cheers ) innovations."

I'll bear this heat and noise no more; My constitution would be weaker. I hurry out, and find, next door, Another meeting and its speaker;

Another crowded, stuffy hall, A frantic shouter, greater duffer, A mob more prone to stamp and bawl, Noise, suffocation still I suffer.

What is he saying? "Mr. G., Despite drink's cursed coalition, Dooms publicans ( groans ), as should be, On earth, as elsewhere, to perdition!

"I move, the Shrimpington on Sea United Bands of Hope, with pleasure, Pronounce the Veto Bill to be A great ( cheers ), good ( shouts ), just ( roars ) measure."

Enough! O frantic fools who rave And call it "Temperance"! This body Would drive me to an early grave; I'll hurry home and get some toddy.

ADVICE TO A YOUNG PARTY SCRIBE.

YOU may, an it please you, be dull, (For Britons deem dulness "respectable"); Stale flowers of speech you may cull, With meanings now scarcely detectable; You may wallow in saturnine spite, You may flounder in flatulent flummery; Be sombre as poet YOUNG'S " Night ," And dry as a Newspaper "Summary"; As rude as a yowling Yahoo, As chill as a volume of CHITTY; But oh, Sir, whatever you do, You must not be witty!

Plod on through the sand wastes of Fact, Long level of gritty aridity; With pompous conceit make a pact, Be bondsman to bald insipidity; Be slab as a black Irish bog, Slow, somnolent, stupid, and stodgy; Plunge into sophistical fog, And the realms of the dumpishly dodgy. With trump elephantine and slow, Tread on through word swamps, dank and darkling; But no, most decidedly no , You must not be sparkling!

Be just as unjust as you like, A conscienceless, 'cute special pleader; As spiteful as Squeers was to Smike , (You may often trace Squeers in a "leader.") Impute all the vileness you can, Poison truth with snake venom of fable, Be fair as is woman to man, And kindly as CAIN was to ABEL. Suggest what is false in a sneer, Suppress what is true by confusing; Be sour, stale, and flat as small beer, But don't be amusing!

Party zealots will pardon your spite, If against their opponents it sputters, The way a (word) foeman to fight, Is to misrepresent all he utters. That does not need wisdom or wit, (Ye poor party scribes, what a blessing!) No clean knightly sword, but a spit Is the weapon for mangling and messing; Wield that, like a cudgel armed rough Blent with ruthless bravo, such are numerous! Lie, slander, spout pitiful stuff, But beware of the humorous!

For if you should fall into fun, You might lapse into manly good nature, And then well your course would be run! No, study up spleen's nomenclature; Learn all the mad logic of hate, And then, though your style be like skilly, Your sense frothy Styx in full spate. And your maxims portentously silly; You will find party scope for your pen, Coin meanness and malice to money; But sour dulness must keep to his den, And never be funny... Continue reading book >>


Book sections



eBook Downloads
ePUB eBook
• iBooks for iPhone and iPad
• Nook
• Sony Reader
Kindle eBook
• Mobi file format for Kindle
Read eBook
• Load eBook in browser
Text File eBook
• Computers
• Windows
• Mac

Review this book



Popular Genres
More Genres
Languages
Paid Books